Embedded Files
Fundamentally followed this:
On the "installs" share, there's an "updates" folder, which contains all the offline updaters referenced here.
Open cmd line as Administrator and do:
net stop wuauserv
Then install the KB30 (9MB) one, it's quick.
Then net stop wuauserv again.
Then install the KB31 (500MB) one, takes longer to search etc. then takes like 10 minutes to install + reboot + apply a shload of updates, shuts down, reboots, applies more updates.
Then do all the rest of the standalones on thumbdrive, with
net stop wuauserv
between each one. Ignore but don't delete the "already installed" ones, it'll probably be a different story for each PC.
Reboot and rerun "check for updates" and it still takes longer than I'd expect but it FINALLY FOUND AND INSTALLED LIKE 1000 UPDATES.
Reboot and rerun "check for updates" ad nauseam.
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OR, REGEDIT HACKERY:
https://msdn.microsoft.com/en-us/library/dd939844(v=ws.10).aspx
If the Windows Update settings say "managed by your administrator" and won't let you change them, and you know that's not true because a) you're logged in as an administrator, and/or b) you're not even joined to the domain, start hacking the registry. This happened on BPC Server in fall of 2016 and I (Marion) tried a series of things until one worked. Whee!
HKEY_LOCAL_MACHINE\Software\Policies\Microsoft\Windows\WindowsUpdate
added DWORD "DisableWindowsUpdateAccess" and set to 0
added DWORD "ElevateNonAdmins" and set to 1
HKEY_CURRENT_USER\Software\Policies\Microsoft\Windows\WindowsUpdate
same as above
HKEY_LOCAL_MACHINE\Software\Policies\Microsoft\Windows\WindowsUpdate\AU
"NoAutoUpdate" was set to 0, set it to 1
What actually worked:
If you want to change your settings on Windows Updates manualy (not from registry) you need to delete added subkey under HKEY_LOCAL_MACHINE\SOFTWARE\Policies\Microsoft\Windows\WindowsUpdate\AU to leave only the "default" subkey.
BEFORE:
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